I want to be a writer. What is a writer? A writer is a person who enjoys writing more than anything else. Or a person with writing on their list of top 3 things to do (Mine is: 1. Cats 2. Writing 3. Sex) but I don’t write every day and I can live, even though I get depressed and nap a lot, without writing. I want to be one of those people who writes every day but I don’t know how to get there. Obviously if I want to write every day I need to Write Every Day but if it’s not natural/if I have to force myself to do it am I a legitimate writer or am I just faking?
Was I already a writer because I wrote 3 poetry collections but now I’m not a writer any more because I’m not producing anything?
I hate editing fiction. I have no problem revising poetry but when I need to revise/edit this huge mountain of prose, that is my 50,000 word not very big at all but it’s the longest piece I’ve ever written, I want to curl up in a ball on the couch and sleep all day. Which I did. Sleep all day.
So how do I go about being a writer (again) in my current state? Even if I feel like I’m faking or not the thing to do is write every day. Right? So now the question is: what to write? I don’t like writing about myself. Journaling is difficult because I don’t want to think about my hopes/dreams or where I want to be 5 years from now. I want to be alive and 125 lbs. and somehow not anorexic or depressed and off the anti-anxiety meds.
I like writing about things I see and memories but when I don’t have to go to work I generally don’t leave the apartment so I don’t get to see anything exciting. What I think of as exciting. I want to write something interesting. Dreams are hard to write because sometimes they scare or bother me. Like I had a dream a few days ago where I killed my elementary school best friend with morphine but she had clones and I was freaking out about hiding a dead body when I really didn’t have to because she wasn’t really dead.
Until very recently I had no characters in my brain that I liked, I had protagonists but no stories or stories with no protagonists. And I didn’t write fiction. Poetry doesn’t need characters but now I have 3 characters in my head and I’m not using them properly.
I need to write my characters doing things. I need to give them the lives I/they want. Or the lives they need/are supposed to have.